what we don't say out loud.

-Who said marriage was going to be easy-


wedding bans Who said marriage was going to be easy?. I have been on it for a while now and no one gave me a manual on how to go about. I live a day at a time and always placing God first. I have an Indian friend who tells me marriage in Indian culture is forever and divorces are unheard of in India unless one party goes astray. In Indian culture in the youthful days a bride is chosen for the man and the woman is kept in waiting till marriage day where her purity is tested and the marriage life begin. It does not matter if the couple is in love or not, the clan continuity is given priority hence pre-arranged marriages. What I envy most with the Indian culture is how the men work hard to protect the family. Family is key for them. Most of them are into religion which often trims them down to living noble lives surrounded by family and relatives. The unity in the family is mostly strong as the men set precedence in family matters.

I would say that’s better not get married to the person who makes you happy for I feel the happiness bit is a feeling of the moment and May not last.What happens if your spouse stop making you happy? Does it mean you have to pack and leave? A good heart last long when beauty fades and reality kicks in. In my first year of marriage I have learnt that:

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. – Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

There are laughter seasons, investment seasons, newness seasons, grief seasons, trials seasons and very many other kinds of seasons. No matter what you’re going through just know all seasons come and go. Marriages don’t all “work” the same way, but there are a few things we’ve all got figured out. Loving one another, cherishing each other, working together. Building our lives as one.

I did get personal marriage advice from my grandparents, as my grandfather was already alive by the time we wed, but their lives teaches me more about marriage, simply by watching them love than any beautiful words they ever would uttered to me face-to-face.

Live reflecting the love that you share, the love that you are building together. You never know, it could make all the difference in the lives of the younger generation as they watch you love your spouse. As a woman I have learnt men are different from women and a few things must happen in the marriage in efforts to create unity and harmony;

Respect him.  – Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your husband if he has earned it”. A man’s greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he desires that respect from the most is his wife. In the first weeks of our marriage I could not get myself around this. It’s the small things that as a woman I seem to ignore that brought out my respect to him and yes we had our fair share of quarrel on what’s respect and what’s not. Take it from me – when respect is given even when he doesn’t deserve it, it will motivate him to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that his choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences with respect. It makes all the difference in the world to him.

The order is God, husband, kids– I know this isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what. But regardless of your belief system, your husband should come before your kids. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive, no man in his right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve his every need while neglecting them. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts

Protect your heart. – The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier woman. The world is full of things and people that will serve as reminders that you don’t have the best of the best, but it’s simply not true. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and be thankful there will always be something better – but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now.

Forgiveness – No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit – for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances (every day, I have to forgive my husband for leaving the toilet seat wet after use 🙂 – you will keep resentment from growing

Communicate. – I used to have a bad habit of not speaking my feelings and I bottled up so many things and I would hurt over time. Men are not wired like women, and they don’t always know that they’ve been insensitive. I’m still growing in this area, and there are often times when my husband has to pry something out of me, but I’m trying to remember that I need to just communicate how I feel.

Schedule a regular date night.  – This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse.  Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, deals, investors or schedules, or the kids or plan the dream vacation. Enjoy the magic of the moment together you can always learn something new from each other.

Never say the “D Word”.  – If you’re going to say it, you better mean it. Plain and simple, threatening divorce is not fighting fair.

Learn his love language.  – Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he like words of affirmation, or does he respond better when you give him gifts? Whatever his love language is – learn it and use it.

Speaking ill-Never speak ill of your spouse to the outsiders. I mean friends, relatives etc. it’s a no never.This is more to the women,yes i know we like to talk to anyone who cares to listen but exposing your personal dirty linens in public gives the devil something to feed on . Whatever it is keep within yourselves (unless its an abusive situation)and try to resolve it together. If it escalates the church elder can be involved and last resort to your parents.

Everything depends on both of you!Make God the center of your marriage for he never fails his servants.


Author: Kate Mwamba

Financial and lifestyle blogger


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